Dear Mom (Something she won't read)

Dear Mom,

There are so many things I want to say to you that I don’t think I could ever have the guts to say to your face. The reasons being that I don’t know if you would harm others (such as myself) or yourself with what I have to say.

I know you think that I only remember the bad stuff that happened in my childhood with you, but that isn’t the case. I remember when I was in fifth grade and you helped me learn my words for my spelling tests. I remember you asking me to spell a word as you drove us home and anytime I couldn’t remember the definition, you helped me think of an easier word to go by so I could remember. I remember going to Disney when I was younger and waiting to see Ariel and have my picture taken with her, but I had gotten bored and played in the nearby water sprinklers with some other kids until I didn’t want to see the mermaid anymore. I remember you helping me make my Halloween shadow box for my English class in middle school since we had to make something that we then wrote about in an essay and spoke about in front of the class. I still think of the good times we had, even though they aren’t heard about most of the time.

I think it’s the same for everyone, to remember the bad stuff easier than the good. I know you always hated me bringing up the story of Jamie forcing me to eat green beans, but I think I finally figured out why it stuck with me so badly.  I don’t think it was because of the fact that I was being forced to do something, but more along the lines that you were letting him force me. You have always taught me to be my own person and don’t let anyone tell me what to do (especially a man) if I don’t feel comfortable with it, but there you were, sitting in the living room with him and watching TV as I sat in the kitchen (in the dark) because I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until I ate them.

Another thing I always remember is when I was in kindergarten and I was trying to pull on some shorts during the winter. I didn’t know that the cold meant that I couldn’t wear shorts or that I could get sick if I did. What I found out though, was that it’s very cold when you’re being forced to stand outside naked to put your clothes on.

Then there was when I was probably around the same age as the story above where I kept dragging sand into the house from playing outside. It made you so angry, but it never occurred to me for me to leave my shoes outside. I wonder if it ever occurred to you; especially after you forced me to sleep in a bed filled with sand.

It was always the extreme with you, like it was never thought through. Do you ever think that hitting me while we were driving home was something bad? Did it ever occur to you that I wasn’t a possession or a cheap maid? How about the fact that I didn’t run to you when I was scared because you were the one that frightened me? Or maybe the fact that even after I moved out of your house, every time I closed my eyes I saw you screaming at me?

You scared me, mom, more than you could imagine. Did you ever realize that I wanted to stay at school so I wouldn’t have to come home to you? I always remember that when you had a bad day at work you would come home and yell and belittle me if I did the slightest thing wrong. That if I even picked a movie you didn’t want to watch (after you told me it didn’t matter to you), that you would get an attitude with me and have a grimace on your face that always made me scared you would yell at me again.

Maybe you don’t understand how badly I’m damaged now, that it’s hard for me to trust anyone but my grandma who you also tried to turn me against. That I’m afraid to get too close to anyone because I’ll find out that I’m not really wanted. Or that I’ve thought of killing myself more than I could count when I lived with you. That I feel I’m not good at anything because I could never make you happy.

That isn’t even getting to the fact that you pushed me aside for another child you deemed more worthy. You never said that of course, but the fact that she was always the one you talked about or tried to spend time with spoke loud enough. Ashley was my friend in the beginning, we were in girl scouts, do you remember? We were so happy, until you decided that it was time to take her away. You threw on your charm, like you do with everyone, and it was easy to catch her in your web. But now I guess you know how it feels considering the fact that she doesn’t have anything to do with you now.

Along with making me feel unwanted by you, you also did your best to make me feel unwanted by others. Every friend you met of mine ended up pushing me to the side to spend time with you, even the person I thought was my best friend. Even guys I had crushes on, excluding Matt and Justin, you made sure that if they were going to like someone then it’d be you and not me. I was never good enough for anyone except for grandma.

Did you do all of that to punish me for gram loving me more than you? Were you jealous of the fact that she would die for me and do anything for me? She had to make up for everything you broke, she had to walk behind you to try and glue me back together. She’s still trying so hard, but I guess the damage is too deep to fix.

And let’s not forget the song ‘anything you can do I can do better’ which you made your theme song against me. If I made pictures, you had to make some better; if I did well on my test to get into my technical school then you obviously had to one up me. If I got a cool shirt or something about a TV show I enjoyed then you had to make sure that you could get an autograph from said show. Even the picture that I made for you for your birthday, not once did you even think that I might want an autograph. No, it only mattered that you got one so you could shove it in my face the next time I felt I did something right.

You have tainted me in so many ways, mom, that once gram dies and I move to have my own family, you won’t be a part of it. I don’t want my children to ever have to meet you, if I even have them since I’m scared I’ll turn out like you. If I die before you, I don’t want you at my funeral. If I had my way, I would never see you again and I would erase you from my memory. You are worse than any disease known to man, eating me from the inside out with your demeaning words and ignorance of thinking you did nothing wrong.

      You tell yourself that you did everything you were supposed to, but does that lie help you sleep at night? When you’re hitting on guys I went to school with, who I find out had a crush on me, does it ever sink in that he might have been the guy I spent my ever after with?
     
      Of course you don’t, because it isn’t about you. The world revolves around you in every way, guys fall at your feet and women are jealous. That Heaven and Earth should repay you for breathing in oxygen.
     
      I have news for you, mother mine, you will be as alone as I am. You are a great actress to everyone, but in the end, you’ll live in an empty house and die alone there.  I might eventually be able to look at myself without feeling disdain because I know there is good somewhere deep down inside me, but you, you’re rotten inside and out. You’re the maggot that eats the road kill, the darkness inside every light. There are no words to describe how evil you are even though most don’t know it.
     
      Your family does; your daughter does. In the end, you’re just a stain that will eventually fade from existence.